August 29th, 2004

Currently Playing All Hands on the Bad One By Sleater-Kinney Milkshake and Honey see related

so many 27s...lets count them for a sec.

1. billie joe from green day has it on his arm.

2. the day i got out of olney and moved to fw (oct. 27 2000)

3. oct. 27 2001 john cleaver

4. nov. 27 2001 sonny deleon

5. 27 a day...first times...you understand this year

6.  june 27 of last year...diego left

well...there are many more...but i cant speak of them...they are sacred...and special...and mine all mine

im sitting here...debating whether i should tell her or not before i borrow her lovely canon. ive decided...not. shes coughing her brains out in the other room. oh no...her stomach came up with them...better shove that back in... so many things happening all the time. a whirl of madness...black and white...no color except for the non-important...no...the seemingly non-important details. but arent those the ones we should...watch out for?...well here i go...taking the elvator that only goes down...in a 30 floor tower...and i want to go up...im 10 floors from the basement...im smiling...that smile pinned back with sharp points....and the tears are racing for the door...i want so badly to let it all out and scream at night...but the yellow and white wont let me. i dont want the yellow and white anymore...i want the blue and red. and the green. you know the green...im not talking about money... oh my god...my weight is up and down and up and down. my anorexia comes and goes. and yes ive got it too...they didnt say that was hereditary...so i guess that is why it comes and goes. laughable isnt it? some days im hot...some days im cold...these constant changes...these flashes...these split second ....bleeding ears....these....god damnit screams....these rips and tears...and i cant see where they are coming from...the yellow and white force me to look ahead...keeping my eye on the worlds prize...and i am not the world...i am one for the red and blue and green...and all the 27s....and these yellows and whites have put me in a car...with no doors. i could smash through the glass...is tempting...and the red would definately come shortly after that...hmm...the whites...they make me so...mellow...the bad mellow...its not the not caring kind...its the...i cant control my nerves...i cant control these thoughts...and i am not the one that writes about happiness and butterflies...and this is not what i want. i dont want to be down...i want to be climbing up....i dont want to be on a pedastal...i dont like heights...and i hate crossing streets by myself...i dont want to be independant...i dont want to face my fears and risk losing them...because then...when im not afraid...EVERYTHING...BECOMES MUCH EASIER...no...it doesnt...it just means im not as careful....the whites and yellows...a mean trick...yes...i grew up in two fast...short...months...if i go back to the green...it will...end all of this...all the progress....i dont want that...if i go back to the red...i will create an unhealthy habit...a very unhealthy one indeed...and if i go back to the blue...well...you know...everyone will see me once again as they did before. get me out of this house. im at...

1108 edwards olney tx....76374....i need help...i need out...somebody save me....yes...save me...please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!